(Announcer:) Previously on "Web Theraphy." (Camilla:) I think that
based on our...
attempted therapy with... with Kip,
that he is incredibly resistant.
- Oh. - Yes. He is not a man
who responds at all well to the female form.
So I'm very excited about next week,
and we can really sink our teeth into the book.
Well I've got my best man on it.
- Oh. - Her name is Maxine.
Well that's your loss. Honestly.
And your second loss may be in the divorce proceedings
that we're going to recommend that Kip proceed with.
[Mellow Jazz]
♪ ♪
Sync, corrected by Alice | www.addic7ed.com
Hello, Camilla.
It's me, Fiona.
I just wanna thank you so much
for taking the time to speak to me.
Oh, well...
I'm afraid you got me...
- You got me out of bed. - Oh.
That's what you wear to bed?
- Yeah. - That's...
Anyway, um, I wanted you to know that, you know,
I've done some research.
I picked up parts of your book online and--
- Yes, I can tell by what you're wearing.
Well, I actually owned this,
so it was part of my--
German look.
Well...
But I also, um, I caught Trent.
- I saw your husband Trent on... - Oh, you did.
Fox news or Nightline or--
- Yeah, he was, uh... - Or The View.
- I mean, he's everywhere. - Yeah, I know.
He's traveling a lot.
He's so handsome.
He's so well-groomed, you know.
Yes, he takes a lot of care with his hygiene, his look,
his, uh, haberdashery.
And he's so passionate about his position.
He was arguing, I think, about gay marriage.
Yes, and the downside of all that.
Right, yes.
Well, you're a beautiful couple
I guess is what I'm trying to say.
Oh. Well, thank you, Fiona.
And I'm seeing the light.
And, um, I just wanted to let you know thank you
for the work that you're doing,
and I have what I hope is good news
in that, you know, I'm writing a book myself
and my publisher thinks that it would be a great idea
for me to go down there so I could be with Kip
to get, you know, firsthand knowledge of how's he doing
this recovery and be by his side for--
Uh-uh, uh-uh, you know we have a policy down here.
No text, no cell, no calls,
no Skype-y thing.
No, uh, contact with family members.
First thing we do is drop the phone in the hot tub.
So, uh, I'm afraid that won't work out.
No, why? Why wouldn't it?
I feel it would be very, very, very disruptive to our progress.
And we--we have been making so much progress.
We've been making so much progress.
I'm a little bit worn out. You'll have to forgive me.
Oh, he's gotten extra attention or...
Yes, well, we've moved beyond just talk and aversion therapy.
We went right to--
we went right to the 24/7 of healing hands.
Healing--healing hands?
- Yeah, healing hands is... - I don't know that.
A method of electro stimulation,
um, body massage,
constant pressure on all the sites,
specific points in the body
that can, um...
C-cause, uh, arousal
and it can be a very exhausting and demanding process.
So basically you were sleeping
with my husband is what I'm hearing.
Well, I don't know how much sleep he gets.
I know I don't get very much.
But yes, we are applying hands-on therapy,
top to toe, back and front, all around the world.
We are going where--
No I understand what you're doing.
And so you're sleeping with my husband
and getting paid for it in return,
which is a different...
Profession than what I thought you were offering.
If I can reveal myself to you,
I can tell you that God touches me down there.
I feel a little tingling, and he taps me for this work.
He says, "get in there and do what you can, Camilla."
How interesting that he taps you there
when a shoulder is so available.
No, I just think that it wouldn't be good
for you to come down here and I'm afraid I'll have to,
uh, close the gates to that suggestion.
- Right. - You know, Kip and I,
when we're really getting into it,
he reveals so much to me
and, um, I don't mind sharing with you that he told me
that your dad had a very big influence on you.
And that made me feel good 'cause my dad did, too, on me.
My dad was an electrician
and he taught me about connection.
And, you know, there's the--there's the female
connection and there's the male connection
and the female receptor has two holes.
And the male has two prongs.
And the way it works is you get those two things together,
[grunts] Uhh!
And you have electricity.
Two--two prongs?
And two holes?
Hold on.
Tw--yes. Two.
And your father taught you this?
Actually, I think Ben Franklin made that up.
He's from Philadelphia, right?
Yes, I--I think he was.
That's how you make electricity.
What a convenient gift Benjamin Franklin gave all of us
to provide you with a colorful metaphor--
Do you know how electricians refer to
the two prongs hitting each other?
They call that the suicide point.
- That doesn't work. - Right...
That's two men and the receiver and the prong is man and woman.
- This doesn't work either. - Right...
So what you need is that connection.
- That's how you make electricity. - Good for you.
In fact, we're having so much success that the election
committee has contacted me to go out on the road
with the rehabilitation tour.
And am I to understand--because Austen
is obviously his biggest backer--he's out of town,
I haven't really communicated with him--
that he's endorsing you being by my husband's side for his--
Yes, yes everyone's very happy about that
because they don't want the woman who turned Kip gay
with him at his side on the podium.
I mean, that would be so m--embarrassing for Ki--
But having him be divorced wouldn't put off voters?
As long as, you know, America's moved on, Fiona.
This isn't the olden days where you only had one chance at life.
America's about being reborn, renewed, and restored,
and that's what we've done for Kip down here
at the Compass Center.
So thank you.
Is that what I'm meant to say?
I think maybe that would be in order,
but you don't have to thank me.
You do not have to thank me.
I'm only doing for Kip what you were not able to do.
It's interesting, your line of work.
- And in fact... - Yes?
I'm gonna do it again in about five minutes.
I think he's due.
He is due in.
So I might have to sign off for now.
[Breathes deeply]
Once more into the breach.
[Phone rings]
Oh, hi, Dr. Wallice.
Yes, I want you to listen to something, please.
Oh, okay.
Fiona, Jerome and Hayley
just left my apartment, and might I say
- I adore those two lovebirds. - It's Max.
The showed up with the new pages.
Bravo, my friend.
Fiona, your courage, your bravery in sharing
the stuff that you did, wow.
Wow, this is gonna kick that book
right up to where we need it to be.
Also, I would like you to thank your mother for me.
Her including those photos-- invaluable.
And might I also tell you,
that was some rhinoplasty they did on you.
Boy, oh, boy, I had never seen a child with a nose like that.
You can hardly even tell now.
But this is the kind of stuff we need
in order to make that book something, so thank you.
And you just remind that Hayley and Jerome,
next time they're in New York City,
I don't wanna hear about a hotel.
No, I do not.
They will be staying with me.
Hayley. Oh. Adorable. She was so generous.
So sweet, Max--
How wonderful you're making
- such fast friends. - Oh, yeah, not she was ver--
With someone that you have no business even speaking to.
- Oh, well, no, sh-- - How dare you not send me pages
before you send them off to the publisher, Jerome.
Well, listen, I wanna assure you that I talked up as much
as I possibly could your contribution to the book.
My contribution? It's my book.
- Right, right, right. - It's not a contribution.
- Oh, absolutely. - Yours is a contribution.
- A menial one. - Thank you.
- How dare you? - Well she did seem
like if there weren't gonna be changes done quickly,
that it might kill the book, and so it was really my pleasure
to quickly act fast and show her some of the chapters
that I had that you had previously
not been such a fan of.
Well, she's trying to make me look a little weaker
thinking that's gonna--
Well, the likeability factor really went way, way up.
Well, I'd like to see it because--
Oh, well, don't worry, Hayley
did a whole stream of consciousness
in your voice. So now I have Hayley
- on my book? - You don't have to thank her.
I will thank her for you, because it really--
I'm not going to thank her. I didn't ask her to do anything
and if I'm going to have to get a release from her too,
then she's got another think coming.
- Okay. - Because I didn't ask her
in any way, shape, or form to be involved in writing my life.
- Fair enough. - For me.
But at the end of the day,
hearing your voice at 13, 14, talk about loneliness,
sadness, ridicule, how you sort of dealt with the bullying--
What? None of those things-- what ridicule and misery?
I have yet to have an unhappy moment.
All right, I will manage that better.
- In other words, I'll-- - Manage that better.
I will, I will act as manager then.
- I'm glad that you're giving me that autho-- - No. I'm not giving--
- you're not my manager. - Okay. Okay.
But I will--I will help to edit the material that you see
and make sure that you get it before I send it out.
I completely understand.
Yes, I have to see it before you send it out.
- When somebody calls-- - I think you should
actually, we should get Hayley to sign a release
- so that we can use some of that. - No, Hayley's not involved.
Officially.
Oh, I love Hayley. Hayley's--well, yes,
Hayley knows how to behave with other people.
Just not with me.
The irony is really something, Jerome.
I hear you, I hear you, and I didn't intend for you
to take I that way, I mean, really Hayley and I
used it as an opportunity to go into New York.
And I took her to see Sister Act, which was so good.
Max actually got us tickets. She loves it.
Well, now you're asking for favors.
She seemed completely willing to do it, I mean, she joined us.
These are my relationships, not your relationships.
- Let me-- - I don't want you going
to New York anymore, how's that? All right?
And I don't want Hayley going to New York anymore.
- Well-- - Done. Good.
Now I'm comfortable.
Do you mind if I don't unfriend her?
Because I think I've already "liked" her on Facebook,
and I would hate to hurt her feelings.
No, well, you can't unfriend her
because she'll think it's a slight from me.
Right, right.
And she's been texting me all morning,
so maybe I should just let her know that she should be--
maybe she should text you to get to me.
Would that make you feel more com--
If it's related to work, then yes.
- Okay, hold on. - But be--I don't like this.
- [Laughs] - I'm not comfortable
with any of this, I have to say.
She's pushing me and Hayley to have a baby,
and I'm telling you, she's pushing so hard,
she might just convince her. [Chuckles]
[Mellow, jazzy music]
♪ ♪
Look at me! I am so hot! What was he thinking?
- Your image is froze-- - [Sobbing]
Check in on Kip, and see how his straightening out
is progre--what is that, an "orientationater"?
That's not even English.
Wha--halfway to heterosexuality.
All right, well, good.
[Sighs]
What?
Oh, no. Oh, no, this is the limit.
[Mellow, jazzy music]
♪ ♪
Yes, hello, Austen, it's Fiona again,
trying to reach you.
It's fairly important that I speak with you,
so when you have a chance,
it would be nice if you called me back.
All right.
[Sighs]
How many is that, I wonder.
[Sign-on tone plays] Oh.
- Hello? - Hello!
- Hello, Maxine, how are you? - Oh, hello, Fiona.
Let me start with "forgive me."
I have just read the additions to your manuscript.
Might I say: Perfection.
Oh.
I went to confession.
To confess...
I went to ask forgiveness
for not really seeing you as a child of God,
which you obviously are.
What you showed--it's made your character so sympathetic.
The personal touches that you added,
the vulnerability you showed.
Your teenage years, the acne problem,
the kids calling you "pizza face."
Well...
When you wore the white pants
the first day you got your friend,
and everyone made fun of you.
So vulnerable, it's really beautiful.
- So weak, yeah. - It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
And weakened, but all right.
Well, really, the stuff you've written, I'm telling you,
Austen will go crazy over it.
Oh, I don't think Austen will care one way or another,
because the man simply isn't returning any of my calls.
In fact, he and some of the other backers
are now trying to distance me from my husband's campaign,
so that I'm not by his side
during all of the press stuff, and the camp--I don't, you know.
I'm sorry about that.
I really am, Fiona. I f--
you know, I feel you would have been
a very good influence on him.
Really, seriously.
Not like the young, attractive floozies
he's normally around, I--
I think you would've grounded him.
Well, thank you, but I think you should know
that he actually was pretty besotted with me,
I think, and the operative word
here is "was," because he is no longer.
He's no longer besotted, you don't think?
There are no signs of interest coming from him,
just, you know, little...
Just a little bit of posies
from his own garden, you know,
something pathetic and cheap like that
that he had messengered from Scotland, I think, I don't--
No boxes from Tiffany's?
There are blue boxes from Tiffany's given out, dispensed?
No, I haven't received any of those.
No vintage Prada luggage?
No.
No Louis Vuitton shoes?
No, I didn't get any shoes.
I mean, a pair of thongs when he was in Bali.
Well, surely he's introduced you to all his jet-set friends.
- Yes? - No, I haven't met any.
He has--I haven't met any of them, I just--
no, no, I got to spend a dreary afternoon
with some horrible Scottish woman
who was very particular about the kind of tea she drank,
"and did I grow it?"
She was about 400 years old as well, so...
I almost fell asleep twice.
That's who I got to meet, and he wasn't even there.
Wow.
Yeah, no, that was so boring.
Well, that's very interesting, Fiona.
Is it interesting? I don't think it's interesting.
I think it's very frustrating. How's that?
Well, you seem angry, and you seem like
the kind of woman who'd want to do something about that.
I will do something about that.
You know what? No one has to make a fool out of me.
I don't have to take this.
Message. He-- Austen, it's Fiona.
Listen, don't bother to call me back, all right?
I think I'm going to take my book elsewhere,
so, we don't even need to be in contact anymore.
All right, good-bye.
There. That's done, and I--
That was good.
And you're smiling,
and not proud of me, but happy for yourself.
I see now.
I played right into your hands, didn't I?
[Phone rings] Oh. Incoming call. 'Scuse me.
Yes, Austen.
Oh, of course, he's available after all.
Yes.
Could you turn around, please? Because I'm--
it's a private call.
- Turn around? - I'm here.
I'm not gonna turn around.
[Mellow, jazzy music]
♪ ♪
- Ah, yes, so, rose petals. - Rose petals on top of the bed?
On top of the bed, and then also on the floor,
and then maybe down the stairs, sort of like a trail.
Romantic love trail leading up to the bed.
Oh, I like--and would you like me to take some of your panties
and drop them throughout the house?
No. That you shouldn't do.
- Okay. - And then also, um,
two champagne glasses
filled with champagne on the bedside table.
That's great. He's gonna love that.
That's good. Some chocolate strawberries
sprinkled around, and music, we need music.
Oh, okay. Well, what do you like?
I-I have, uh--
No, I don't like music at all.
But I think Kip likes...
I have Bjork and John Tesh.
No, no, forget all what you have.
I don't care what you have. Get the satellite TV.
- Sat-- - Station--the music station.
All right? Like, '70s. Soft '70s, or--
no, no, I know what Kip likes. The soundtracks and show tunes.
- Show tunes. - That's the one.
- Yeah, makes sense. - Oh, you know,
I was looking over the copy of my book,
and, um, the character's become so weakened.
I'd like to restore her to her stronger self,
from the original-- original version.
Oh, okay, my original version draft.
All right, and I'll-- I'll run that by Maxine,
just so that we're all on the same page.
No, you don't need to.
I'm taking it to a new publisher.
- You are? - Absolutely.
So, Ma--oh.
- Okay. - Okay.
- That's... - None of your business?
- Yes. That's right. - Okay.
All right.
Have a good time tonight.
Oh, I'm going to see Spider-Man, the musical.
- Oh, exciting. - Is it?
I just hear a lot of people get injured,
so I thought it would be fun
if I caught it on one of those nights.
[Mellow, jazzy music]
Hello.
Hello, Camilla. Hello, hello.
- It's me, Fiona. - Yes, I can see.
Yes, well, of course you can. [Chuckles]
I just wanted to let you know the good news,
which is that Kip and I, I think,
won't need to get a divorce now.
Oh?
And I think I have you in part to thank for that.
Oh, well, you're welcome.
Yes. You look-- you look troubled.
Oh, I just c-cut my finger, and, you know,
they only had the African-American band-aids.
My staff is...
I don't know what they're thinking.
Why do they buy those?
- It's not invisible on you. - It's not invisible. Look.
Stupid looking.
Anyway, that's not it.
I can't find Trent. He's gone off the radar.
- Oh. - I don't know where he is.
Well, I'm so sorry to hear that. Maybe--
you know, I-I know where he was two days ago,
if that helps try to track him down, because--
You do?
Well, yes, I took your advice,
and I scheduled a session with him.
Oh, you did? Oh, my G--
In my home in Philadelphia.
Trent said he'd be nearby, and that he'd be happy
to come to my home and offer a private session,
and I was very flattered.
With you and Kip?
With me. Just me.
And then after that, I would see Kip.
Oh, I see, I see. Prep you, he'd prep you.
And in fact, I followed the advice
in your book for my reunion with Kip.
So, I had chocolate-covered strawberries out,
and rose petals... for Kip.
- Yes. - Yes.
And, uh, pots of whipped cream, just in case.
Mm-hmm.
Fluffy pillows on the floor
for anything that would come up spontaneously.
Yes, yes. Yes. Yeah, chapter two.
Yes. Uh-huh.
So, it was, you know...
- So, you, uh... - A very enticing room.
You seduced my husband.
No, dear, I didn't even make it to Philadelphia.
My publisher needed me in New York, and I had to stay.
Oh.
I missed the session entirely.
Oh. [Sighs]
But Kip was there to receive Trent.
And I think they got to... talking.
And then some...
I guess wrestling with their faith,
and then ultimately just wrestling.
Well, apparently, that's what my security cameras recorded.
So...
And it's odd, because I don't know why
they were pointing in that direction.
I have the controls here.
Oh, I see. I have the controls.
I can point them back into the proper direction.
I see. I know--you don't-- I can, um--I can, um...
I've seen things like this before.
You know, there is a lot of backsliding.
Literally.
No doubt.
I can't say I'm surp-- surprised.
This has happened before.
[Sighs] Oh, my God.
There was the pool kid.
The guy who fixes his madera--Maserati.
Mm-hmm.
- His golf caddy. - Oh.
The guy who drives the golf cart.
Mm-hmm.
Do you have enough fingers to count?
Poor Trent has struggled with the angel of, uh--
whoever that is that they wrestle.
The angel of electricity?
[Sighs]
But I don't think it's, um--
it's anything that is not reparable.
I think that there is a solution.
If I come up there, I do have a mobile kit.
I have, uh--I can get it through the, uh, security,
if I dismantle all the batteries, and take the, um...
All the, uh...
The--the electronics and, um...
I can bring them to Phil--Philadelphia.
No, I don't think that will be necessary.
Of course it's necessary.
These men are going off the track.
Well, then, maybe somehow you can reel Trent in
and get him home.
I know if you can sever
the suicide point connection they've made...
But the good news is that
the only thing that perished was your cure.
So...
You know, you're willing to destroy everything
that Trent and I have lived all of our lives to achieve.
You're willing to bring down the center, aren't you?
You're willing to destroy us and our--
my family, my six kids.
You don't care.
I thought you had seven children.
I have six kids and one adopted.
- Oh. - So...
I guess what I'm asking you is...
[Sighs]
Where are those tapes?
Because I'd really like to have them.
And not for the reason that you think.
Not because, you know, it would compromise Trent,
even though it would destroy the center.
But because I'd like to get them
and project them on the wall of our bedroom
right behind my head, because the thing
I can't really get him to do is to open his eyes...
- Mm. - When we're...
But that might make him... That might make him...
And then I could bring his vision down
and just get into it with him
in the way that we were meant to do.
[Sniffs] Mm-hmm.
Could I have those tapes, then?
- I'm sorry, no. - Please?
No, I-I feel more comfortable knowing that they're under my--
Yeah, but I'd feel more comfortable
knowing that I have them.
But the thing you're not understanding
is that you don't have any of the leverage here,
because I have the tapes.
So I will hold on to them.
I could even destroy them.
I'm not going to give them to you as a marital aid.
And then I will resume my place
by my husband's side as he does his press tour.
Oh.
Oh, um...
- And you can stay there. - Where?
And reconnect with your husband,
where you should be, by his side.
Yeah, well...
I guess we could go back to-- to basics.
That's how we started the center in the first place.
I don't know if he told you that.
- Well, I guessed. - Yeah.
- But you know, can I offer you a little--
- this is so tight. - Pardon?
- This. It's so tight. - Oh.
Well, you seem to be at sixes and sevens,
so why don't we just leave it at this?
Thank you very much.
And if I could offer a little advice to you,
- with your husband Trent. - Sure, go ahead.
Instead of projecting images
- of his former self... - Yeah.
Why don't you just try wearing a blazer from time to time?
- Yeah. - Good luck to you, dear.
Oh, God, now I've lost a nail.
Oh, God! Why me?
Look. [Mellow, jazzy music]
This is the worst day.
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com
- That doesn't work. - I see.
Neither does this.
- These are brilliant metaphors. - [Laughs]
Maybe you could include them in your next flyer.
[Laughing]
[Laughs]
♪ ♪
T--yes, two.
And your father taught you this.
[Laughs]
Well, what a wonderful relationship you had.
♪ ♪
You are a manipulit-- you are a--you are a dec--
- Manipulative? - Deceptive.
- Yes, I couldn't agree-- - Can I just get my words out?
- Can you? - You are a manip--[Laughs]
♪ ♪
All we need is that satellite TV music station
to the '70s, or--oh, no, no, soundtracks and show times.
- Oh, show t-- - That's what Kip likes.
"Show times" or "show tunes"?
- Sound... - Soundtracks and show tunes.
♪ ♪
I guess they win.
- Homosexuality's wrong. - Yeah, right.
Oh... [Laughter]
All right, cut.
♪ ♪